Stresses & Strains
I suppose this is an introspective post. There’s an hour until I start the rainy school run, so I thought I’d ponder on paper so to speak. (I know this isn’t paper, but it’s as near as dammit).
My Ulcerative Colitis has flared horribly, and I had to make an emergency trip to the docs last night as requested by NHSDirect. It was either that or go to A & E. The thing is, I’m convinced it is all stress induced, and as a result blame myself a lot, which causes more stress because I’m stressed that I can’t control my stress.
So….how do you control stress when, as a parent, you’re jugging two lively kids, school runs, long days, interrupted nights and a huge lack of organisation? Can it be done?!! I’m already on anti-depressants, which I admit has helped a little, but there still must be something going wrong, surely.
I once mentioned to someone about how busy I was, and how wound up I was about everything. They asked me what exactly did I have to do in the time period I was talking about, and strangely I had quite a small list. (This was a long time ago before kids, marriage and responsibility) They commented that they thought I was busier in my head than in actual life. Unfortunately I think this still applies.
It seems impossible for my brain to calm down, it’s constantly doing whirlygigs and looking for things to think about, plans to make, things I’ve forgotten, things I need to do, places I should go, people I need to catch up with…and the list continues.
Take today for example, I’m desperately trying to take it easy for the sake of my health, and have completed the grand total of four tasks – unload and load diswasher, tidy kitchen and front room a little and load and unload the washing machine and plan tea. Yet I still feel like I’ve done loads, in that my head feels cramped, I’m fairly tired and I’m dreading the school walk / slog in the rain.
It makes me feel as if I’m lazy, but I can’t be surely. Never in all my life have I been called lazy. ’Conscientious’ has always been the term used, in school reports and in work places. Yet, even on good days, the house is apalling and I mean piles of washing everywhere, toys scattered on the living room floor, kitchen floor dusty and with yoghurt pot tops stuck to it. Sounds disgusting doesn’t it. I just don’t have the motivation, or the skills to co-ordinate everything. I miss dental appointments (2 this week), double book myself, lose letters from school, forget nursery payments. You name it, I’ve mucked it up. That was why we had such a trauma over Sausage’s school place, I just put off sorting it. Simple as.
I just take too much on, but can’t seem to stop it. This eve I have a proper recipe planned for tea which will take time and effort. This blog, which I have fought tooth and nail to keep on with, takes time, effort and commitment too, and stresses me on occassion too. But to give up these things that I love, would stress me less and cause me to die of boredom. I can’t win!
People suggest yoga (I nearly typed Yoda then, too much Star Wars in this house!), but I always have the kids with me when it’s on. Even when I sit and watch TV, I have an internal clock with an alarm that says that ‘In 15 minutes you need to go blog, or clean something.’ I try to cook to relax myself, because it’s productive, but usually end up swearing under my breath and making bizarre things the kids won’t eat.
The only time I really relax is when I’m outside or asleep, but even then I’m thinking I should be inside, doing something useful. (not when I’m asleep obviously).
Life for me is a series of tasks to be completed, a mental checklist. But it’s a huge list, and I constantly attempt everything in a back to front manner. I’m too skittish and get confused with what I should do, how to do it, when to fit things in. All in all, I find myself a pain in the ass, and no doubt other people are constantly frustrated by me. Almost as much as I frustrate myself.
Summarised – I am the equivalent of a huge, incomplete, spidergram (you know those charts you do when you brainstorm things? Obviously this spidergram is completed with the use of half eaten luminous coloured crayons, green biro, or felt tips that are running out, written on a crumpled piece of paper with a picture of mickey mouse on the back that the kids have half coloured in and got bored of. It’s a rubbish spidergram and it doesn’t work properly.
I need to be more like a flow chart, that’s it! Clean cut and completed on a puter printed out on a piece of paper, neatly shaded in colour codes. It should be titled ‘Daily Life!’ and be on a clean, clear, plain sheet of paper. Laminated preferably.
As it is I’m almost resigned to being a complete and utter muck up, I make life difficult for myself for the hell of it, and suffer as a consequence. I don’t know if I’m the cause of this fecking disease, and feel hopeless as a result. If it’s stress, how do I stop it. If I can’t I worry that I’ll just shout ‘You’re a goddam failure’ at myself for the rest of my life, bleed terribly all the time, spend hours on the loo and rattle with tablets. (currently on 19 tabs a day at present). A year ago I was drug free and fine, what the eff is going on. *sad face*
(apologies if this doesn’t make sense much, I’m just annoyed, frustrated and venting)
It’d be interesting to know. Are you a flow chart, a pie chart, a spidergram or a list? Are you colour coded? Would you be on plain paper, scrumpled old colouring book paper, concertina style paper prised out of a photocopier? I’m curious.