Warning, this blog contains excessive use of the word ‘sh*t.’ If you are sensitive to swearing, please substitute the * with a U (‘Shut’). If you do that you won’t be offended, but this post won’t make much sense. I recommend the swearing option personally. Your choice.
This evening I sat talking to Horace and began well….ranting about myself. My concern is that I’m not a good role model for my daughter as regards appearance. The problem is that I’m over 35 and I suspect I’m looking a little worse for wear. I don’t want Darlek to think that she should aspire to looking knackered all the time, wearing ripped jeans (because of wear, not because of style), old T’shirts that show off a little rubber ring of fat and jumpers with holes under the armpits. I’d feel I’d failed her if she decided that was her style of choice.
So, I sat there on the sofa, running my fingers through my hair, fine strands left between my fingers:
Me: ‘See, it’s all thinning, my hair is sh*t’
Horace: ‘It’s not sh*t, it’s just different, it’s gone curly, you always said you wanted curly hair.’
Me: It’s not curly, it’s sh*t. The meds have broken my hair.’
Horace: ‘Look, my hair does that too.’ *runs fingers through his hair and waves a strand or two at me*
Me: ‘But your hair’s always done that, you’ve got tons of it, you can lose some and it doesn’t matter. Mine’s just gone sh*t. And I’ve got a fat face.’
Horace: ‘You look fine.’
Me: ‘And my clothes are terrible too, I only have two pairs of jeans without holes in the knee, all my tops come from charity shops, I wear a coat my grandma used to wear and my socks never match. I’m fashion illiterate. I wear massive boots all the time and I fall over if I wear anything else.’
I went on and on and on about how I look totally sh*t until Horace probably got very bored. After nodding and smiling and saying ‘No that’s not true’ in all the right places, he finally paused and said:
‘You know your problem? You’ve got sh*t goggles.’
Me: ‘You mean like beer goggles, but sh*tter?’
Me: ‘I don’t want them, I want rose tinted spectacles or beer goggles instead then. Sh*t goggles are sh*t.’
So there you have it. I have decided that I need a new pair of specs. Does anyone know where you can buy a decent pair of rose-tinted spectacles? I still do think I need to make a bit more effort with my appearance and try not to look like a tramp, but I also think I need to look at things differently. Yes it matters a little about the holes in my jeans (they make my knees cold), but it matters more than I just think positively. I’m still going to amble around the clothes section at the local supermarket and hope for a bargain, but if I don’t find anything, I will not resign myself as being ‘sh*t’. Nevermind if I can wear heels or not, they hurt my feet. Who needs bunions and sh*t goggles anyway!